Sick of all the insincere...

I think Cameron is cheating on me. Day2 of "something is fishy about this". Awesome. I'm leaving for a week and he's scared of what I'll do while I'm scared of what he'll do. Which is ridiculous given the circumstance. Now, now matter how much I believe you should love a person no matter their past, I still believe that I should get a little leeway with the way I worry and he should cut me some slack with his worries. He's the 2nd guy I've slept with and I'm his 31st, or so. Don't know. And he does have a record of cheating and I never have. Plus, add in the fact that my ex of two years cheated on me in our own apartment and I think I deserve to be a little bit afraid. I don't know. I've got to go, regardless. If he cheats, he cheats, and fuck it. I'll get the fuck over it and quit being such a pussy, I guess. He's worried that I'm emotionally attached to him. And I am. Last night he said that if we split up, neither one of us would care much.... but I kinda' would care, so I didn't know how to respond. Kind of a slap in the face, isn't it?

My ex, James, randomly texted me yesterday asking about Cameron and talking about his girl like we're friends. Which was cool and dandy and I played along, but then it came up that Cameron was upset with me and James took it and ran off on a spree of insults that hurt my heart like you wouldn't believe. Why do I even let people in?

2/2 people into my heart have fucked me.
No, that's not true. Cameron hasn't done anything to me. I need to realize that. I need to quit making my fears a pseudo-crime.

They move west on Ventura Boulevard...

I do believe my heart is broken. I fully believe this. Ever since I moved here from Ohio on a whim, I've felt like I've been dreaming and I just want to wake up and go back to everything I deserted. I just want to wake up... At first I felt like Virginia was just what I needed to calm the storm Ohio had festered. But now, ... now I just feel alone and depressed and I can't imagine doing this every single day and feeling this every single day. I like Cameron very much when he's not around his friends. But, he breaks me down, wears me down. I'm scared to be myself around him. If I try to show him something- he'll half glance my way and say "yep" and go back to whatever he was doing or whoever he was talking to before he even finishes saying "yep". It's so... I don't know. It hurts my feelings very much. Very much. Like I'm not even worth the time, like I'm annoying, like I'm just a hassle that he has to drag around. When he's around his friends he puts me in the role of: you're here to be a bitch. You're the bitch. You don't get a say in this, you don't have feelings, this is your role, you're just the bitch.
I hate who I am.

And I want to cry. I'm so fed up with this whole thing. Not just Cameron, but Virginia itself. Life itself, now, because this is home and I have to live with it. I want to wake up, please. please. please. please wake up.

And I don't really like my flow, no...

Am I dreaming? Seriously. I know I can wake up (consciously) from a nightmare. Why the FUCK am I not waking up? This is the longest dream I've had. Actual months have gone by, apparently. Surprisingly I miss weeks without realizing it. Just wake up, Caitlen. Please, God, let me wake up.
I'll go back to Family Video, I'll go back to PSP, I'll go back to the apartment. I'll go back to James.
What the hell is this? Wake up.

'Til all my sleeves are stained red...

I feel like if I spend more than a few hours away from the house, I'll come home to a tornado. And I usually do both. It amazes me, really, that my dad can find his home 'livable'. When I got here, I was literally afraid to eat, so I just didn't eat anything at all from the house. I waited until Cameron got off work and I went and ate with him and his family. But if you saw the house, you'd understand. Everything is stained. Not just dirty (as in, can be cleaned), but literally there is NO cleaning it. It's stained.
Lately, my project has been the spare bathroom. I already tried to make the main bathroom acceptable, but there is no possible way to keep it clean, by my standards, because no one will help. It's just little things that they could do to maintain, but no one will. So everyday I'm cleaning and scrubbing the same things. Not just 'daily cleaning' either, but hard core, on your knees, scrubbing, sweating, disgusting, bugs crawling across your hands, cleaning. One day I took 5 hours and cleaned out the fridge, which I had believed was a light tan color. Actually, though, it was white. Well, it's still white, thanks to me. Cockroaches were in it. They had LAID EGGS on the ceiling of it.
In the bathroom, I'm peeling off the wallpaper because it's peeling up from the mold. I can't wait to start working and get the things I need paid off paid, so that I can fix the bathroom. I made my room excellent when I had money from Ohio left over. It doesn't even look like it belongs in the house, it's another world when you walk into my room. The spare bathroom will be that way, too. If I have a clean room and a clean bathroom, I'll be okay. The kitchen is too far gone to ever be okay by my standards, but I keep the dishes done and the counters cleared, which I'll just have to be happy with.
I spend my days cleaning and cleaning this house. The same cleaning ritual every single day, and every time I leave and come back, it's like I didn't clean anything at all.

Couldn't ever figure out how to love...

        I like music when music describes me, because I don't know how to describe myself. Cameron has opened new doors for me. It might be because I'm high when I'm with him, but even if that is the only reason, I thoroughly enjoy the life he brings me to. When it's a Kid Cudi life. When it's a Lil' Wayne and Tyler, The Creator kind of life, I don't like it at all... there's so much to tell. He's abnormal, inhuman. Hard to figure out fully. He's me.
       Kid Cudi describes me in the fullest. Go listen to any song of his and you'll know me, if you can listen. Most people just don't get it. Go get high and listen to 'Man on the Moon' and you'll know Caitie and Cameron. You should also listen to Mumford and Sons. When I tell you to listen to this, I mean really listen. Understand.

Anyway,
               Right now I'm feeling like 'How to Love' by Lil' Wayne describes a piece of me. It's an insecure piece that is sick, but still fully willing and able to take the blame for anything that goes wrong in a relationship. Any fight. I have these two sides. One side says, "are you fucking joking, Cait? That was not your fault. Fuck him." and the other side says, "Why did you do that? Why can't you do it right, just this fucking once. Why do you give them reasons to leave you?". This song is a piece of me that Cameron is battling.

--------

You had a lot of crooks tryna' steal your heart, never really had luck, couldn't never figure out how to love, how to love. You had a lot of moments that didn't last forever, now you in the corner tryna' put it together. How to love, how to love. For a second you were here, why you over there? It's hard not to stare, the way you moving your body like you never had a love, never had a love. When you was just a young’un you’re looks were so precious, but now you're grown up, so fly, it's like a blessing. But you can’t have a man look at you for 5 seconds without you being insecure. You never credit yourself so when you got older, it seems like you came back 10 times over. Now you’re sitting here in this damn corner, looking through all your thoughts and looking over your shoulder. You had a lot of dreams that transform to visions, the fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions. But it wasn’t your fault, wasn't in your intentions. You're the one here talking to me, you don’t wanna listen. But I admire your poppin bottles and dippin’, just as much as you admire bartending and stripping. Baby, so don’t be mad nobody else trippin'. You see a lot of crooks and yeah, the crooks still crook. See I just want you to know that you deserve the best. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful, yeah. And I want you to know, you’re far from the usual. Far from the usual.

---

This has got to be a good life...

            I've always had this insatiable urge to write down my thoughts, you know? My style has always been 'train of thought', which is undesirable to a lot of people. People enjoy structure; I don't write that way. Granted, I can if I have to do so, but I don't like it. Besides, this isn't yours. This is mine.
           I doubt anyone will be reading this, but for my own sake, I'm going to be writing about a lot of things: things that pop into my head when I sit down and lay my fingers on these poor, worn little keys. It'll be things like Cameron, school, work, and most importantly (and God, if you're reading this, hold me to it) my struggle to maintain and decrease my weight. This has been an on and off diet for about 3yrs now. Pretty gay.
           My weight was about 150lbs before I decided during my senior year to lose weight. I kicked ass and got down to about 129 on a good day. Then I started dating James and it increased to about 149. I kicked ass and got back down to about 123. Loved it, I was thrilled. I worked out daily, it was habit. Beautiful. Then things went to shit and I couldn't afford my gym membership and I just got lazy. I also moved to Virginia and my life got hazy for a bit. Still is, really. Dreamlike. Anyway, I assume I'm about 143 pounds now and I just want back in my 120's. There's a slight story behind that and I'm sure I'll get into it at a later date. It's juicy. Honestly, I shouldn't have gotten into the weight war, but I did and what's done is done.
           I hope someone reads this and I hope it's someone like me, because otherwise you just won't get it.